I’ve been thinking a lot about time.
My dear friend, Patricia, turned me on to the TimeHop app. Its a “time capsule of you,” and pulls your historic posts from your social media profiles. It has given us forgotten friendship gems, some puzzlingly vague updates, and plenty of opportunities for me to laugh at my own old jokes. Yesterday, however, it pulled up something that made me kind of sad and angry. Maybe a little life-hangry. Three years ago yesterday, I graduated from college. Three years. Three. Years.
I might have thrown up in my mouth a little. I think I saw stars. Where has my life gone? Yes, yes, I’m only twenty five. I know. I’m not saying I’m old. I’m saying… what am I saying? I’m saying that I’m wasted. I don’t necessarily mean that as finitely and pessimistically as it sounds. I just feel overly aware that I’m never going to get those years back. And I am disappointed in what I’ve done with them.
Obviously, the one overarching exception that makes the rest of it okay is finding my husband. Yesterday was also our 10th marriage monthaversary. (Love you more every day, baby.) Dating my husband and wedding planning basically took over one of those years of life. Worth it. So what of the other two? Throwing myself into a job that under-utilizes my skills and doesn’t use my talents at all? Nothing against my job, it’s just that any office job won’t cut it. My spirit wasn’t made for cubicle life. Which makes the me of three years ago so very sad. Where are my hopes and dreams and forward progress?
But now-me would like to inform 22 year old me that it’s okay. My job is a huge blessing and has provided me with many necessities. I have learned things. I have grown and I have some new scars. The exciting part is that I am now reclaiming my life. I’m recommitting to the interests and priorities of 22 year old me. Hence this blog. But I get to do it with the armor of now-me. I get the sword of purpose. The shield of self-knowledge. And the map of losing yourself and finding yourself again.
If I had to describe my emotions/realizations/outlook, I can kind of sum it up with this:
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
I know I am am secure in myself and my marriage and in Christ. But my reassurance goes beyond that. It’s the fact that I can see and recognize all other ground as sinking sand. I see what tricks and traps are laid for me, and I can step over them. It’s a beautiful feeling that I am grateful for. So though I still am too hard on myself and I struggle with disappointment and dreams like everyone else, I stand firm. And when I stumble, I have the armor I’ve given myself to protect me, my husband to catch me, and my savior to lead me.
I can’t wait to see what I conquer in the next three years.